Epic Fail?

So for the most part I didnt really start any of my resolutions until this month. A few days ago I started exercising again. Although I cant get down on myself too much because I did start eating healthy almost immediately. After a trip to the doctor I found I weigh a shocking 142lbs. For me that is close to the heaviest I have ever been, the most was 145lb back in high school and even then it wasn't flattering. Everyone says they cant see it and I look good but the problem isnt just looking good, its feeling good. I feel fat and sluggish. I have issues with my clothes since I had to buy a new pair of fat jeans. Thankfully the winter helped me hide it but with summer coming I do enjoy shorts and a belly shirt, as well as plentiful trips to the beach. I cut back on sweets, white bread, take out and anything else artificial or processed. Ive been making desserts for myself because I find denying myself EVERYTHING I enjoy will only anger my body and cause me to binge in excess. I have come to love different things that are good for me like Soy milk, Almond Milk, Coconut Milk, Coconut Manna, Raw Honey, Agave Nectar (Which Hubby greatly enjoys now too!) and tons of other new foods and concoctions! While I do still eat takeout once a week or every other week and have a grilled cheese every now and then I find I like my fresh fruits and veggies and home cooked meals more than anything else. I dont feel stuffed or bloated after eating them, if anything I feel happy knowing I ate something good and my body enjoys it as well. As for exercise I know once I get into a good regimen my body will kick start back into a good metabolic flow. Ill shed pounds quick so long as I stick with it, so lets hope I do.

As for my writing I have been keeping up every now and then. I actually went back to some older stories I had only started and didn't give any real structure. Sometimes when I'm in a rut I find its best to go to the most underdeveloped stories where I have the most freedom instead of ones that are so structured already I don't have much room for creativity. There comes a point in writing where the fun stops because your characters are on their path and even you cant just change it on a whim. Sometimes in life we need whims to keep our minds going, otherwise we fall into a boring, tiresome, void of nothing.

Lastly for work I have been babysitting since November, and while its only one day a week I still make pretty good money. I had gone back to Urban for a few months at the beginning of the year, mostly because Tiffany asked me to. She and I both left at the same time because the stress just got to be too much for all the wrongs reasons. There is work related stress and then there is stupidity related stress. Ours was brought on by stupidity, of someone who supposedly didn't even work there. At the moment my search for a job is on hold simply because hubby will be taking time off work and we would like to enjoy some much needed time together as well as a vacation away.

The other highlight of my new year is one I didnt make a resolution about but have been wanting for some time. Ive started eating healthy and exercising for one very big reason, besides looking good in a bikini. We are trying to get pregnant. I have been taking my vitamins, cutting back on junk and alcohol almost completely, except for a beer or two on St Patty's Day. I found these two great teas that are meant to help with infertility in both men and women and they taste pretty good too! I feel as though with this goal in mind as well I will try and stick with my healthy lifestyle more because its not just about me anymore, its about my family.

Failure

I failed. I did not reach my goal, but this was something I had been aware of from the start. I also did not divulge my New Years Resolutions like I said I would, so let me do that now.

1.Exercise to lose weight and feel better.
I really need to lose weight because a little extra is ok but too much can be harmful to your health and I have diabetes that runs in the woman of my family to worry about. I also have a wardrobe full of clothes that are meant to fit someone twenty pounds lighter. I'm currently depressed and shedding some of the weight will certainly help boost my spirits. A large part of this will be cutting back on bad carbs. like white bread and pasta's as well as lessening my sugar intake. This means more honey in my tea and less desserts.
2.Write more to expand my creativity and finish my novels.
I find that the more I write the more my creativity flows and the randomness increases. I become very interesting and quirky and the depth of my characters expands. Also leaving so much undone is never a good thing and I do need to complete a great many works before I can start any others.
3.Find a job that I enjoy to save money and pay off bills
My credit card is almost maxed out and my bank account is holding on my a string. Unfortunately I am so very picky about a job and I find my creativity is stunted fully when I work at a job I dislike for too long. So I would prefer something part time to pay off what I owe and then start to save so my husband and I can move but at the same time keep my time and mind open and available for writing so that way I do not have to sacrifice anything. Have my cake and eat it too, oh wait no dessert's, um, have my steak and eat it too!

Long, beautiful hair, Shining, gleaming, Streaming, flaxen, waxen

My ever living debate on my hair. I know I plan to grow it out very long but currently I am debating the color. Its still in the Rogue-esque look I did for Comic-Con with the auburn color in the back and the nice white streak in the front. The upkeep for that though, unfortunately, takes a lot. The blond of my hair starts to show after about a week but I really refuse to dye it more than every two weeks, so then I get stuck with this weird blond root look right in the forefront of my head. I may keep it like this for a bit longer till my hair grows out some more. It currently sits at the top of my back, slowly approaching my bra line. My decision though is whether I will let my natural color come back, dye it a lighter blond for the upcoming spring and summer or go for the auburn color all over. Again, upkeep is the main problem so that is why I am sort of leaning towards just letting my natural come in so I wont be worrying over roots all the time, but then I also tend to dislike my natural after a while and wind up dying it some outrageous color I have no way of up-keeping for long and so I'm forced to chop it all off. Decisions, decisions. I'll figure it out soon enough.

The Final Countdown

So its the final days to the home stretch. My limit is almost up and I of course have not hit my goal. I have however made it one of my New Years resolutions to continue trying to write at least 5 posts a month. My ultimate goal would be one a day but hey, lets start small and work my way up to greatness. I am also way too heavy and need to desperately loose weight, but that's a conversation for me and my journal. I have noticed that I own a great many journals, almost all of which have never been written to completion. They all hold the beginnings of some great story I later continued on my laptop or just got severe writers block and walked away from. The sub part of my second resolution, which is to write more, will contain both my blog and my journals. These are things I really need to focus on. As I said I will write my in depth resolution list on another post, one I would like to wait until New Years Eve to post, but its not like anyone really reads this anyway. Heck my own husband even admitted he doesnt, so its no sweat off my back if I miss the deadline by a few hours, this is all for me anyway.

Song For Ten

Well I am slowly approaching my goal of beating last years post total. This will be number 10, I only have that many more to post. I'm not really sure I can make it in less than a week, but I'm going to try my damnedest. The delay probably also stems from the fact that my Microsoft Office isnt currently working on my laptop so I haven't been writing, ergo I have no been creative. When I am not creative I do not have much to ponder on and blog about. I do hope my husband can fix it for me soon so that I may be able to write, and ponder, and blog. Even if I do not reach my goal by the end of the year I will make it one of my resolutions to write at least 5 posts a month.

That will be my next post, New Years Resolutions.
Or at least one of, maybe it will be the last to ring in the New Year and finish off December Posts.

No Phone & Need Exercise

So to start Christmas Eve off right my phone hasnt been working for three days. While I should be mad, I just cant seem to find the energy. Although I am a bit peeved that I am paying for something I cannot use, I'm sure I'll get angry soon enough. The only bother I have with my no phone issues is that I cant wish those I love a Merry Christmas, but hopefully this wont last much longer and I will be able to make it up to them.

Now as for exercise, my god I am in need. I've always had trouble with my weight and only for about two years did I get to where I wanted to be. How did I get there? Work. I worked at jobs that required me to stand and lift and move for endless hours. Then I got a desk job and now I'm at home and I have piled on the weight. Twenty pounds to be exact. For the past year I have tried a personal trainer, diet, running and basic exercise. Alas I never seem to stick with it and always end up looking same as I did the week before, and the week before that. I'm going to strive to lose weight in the new year and to keep up with a healthy exercise regimen. Thirty days is all I will need, thirty days to develop a habit and then it will be that much easier to stick with it.

Mad as a Hatter

If words are written on a blog that no one reads, does the blog really exist?

I believe the answer is, duh, of course. But rather the question within the question.

Why continue writing if no one reads?

Because, I read it. A blog is a living journal. Whereas in my book no one can happen upon the words inside and therefore it will surely not exist beyond me. If I were to die that journal may or may not be read and therefore definitely cease to exist. But, a blog, in the internet, open to all to read, will forever exist. I come back to it and read about things I had written or thought upon. The ideas and words seem so long ago, but could be merely weeks. Its like a time capsule, the more you leave it, the greater mystery it holds. You forget what you might have loved at that age, that time, that week. As adults our habits do not change, you love a food or movie in a moment. But moments pass and new ones arise. New loves, and dislikes come forth and banish the old. Everything changes. Once again, that is a blessing and a curse. As things change, new ideas can be brought forth but other, cherished ones, get tossed aside because they are no longer valuable. I for one can be grateful that the vampire craze has taken hold and perhaps my work will be chosen next in the line of great works. But the fear, is that soon it will be over and no one will again want for the things I write. Then where will I be? Lost and forgotten like all the other fads and trends. When you're young its easy to say 'Its just a phase', because your whole life lies ahead, waiting for your next idea to flourish. But as you age and time moves on, dwelling on a phase can do great damage to you and can no longer be played off to childhood antics. Instead regret and remorse develop and leave you sodden with it. I'm sure in a few months I will come back to this post and say, "Was I completely off my rocker?" And to that I say, "Yes, bitch. You have the flu this week and your fever has made you rambling mad." To which future me will reply, "Mad as a hatter."