The Perfect Drug

A lot of people talk of finding their true love and having soul mates and all of that, but I wonder how many ever truly mean it.

I know that the greatest moment of happiness I ever feel is not when I kiss my husband, or make love, or any of those sexual based actions. I know that for me, when I curl up inside of his arms and as they wrap around me I bury my head into his chest and soak up his scent and his body warmth, a feeling of calm falls over me. A feeling of oneness, that- this is where I have always meant to be, this is my home. When I am pulled tight and feel how he clings to me, as his lips kiss my head and he breathes in the scent from my hair, I know that he is feeling the same as I am. That we walk through life only half of the person we should be and that until we come home at the end of the day and curl up in the arms of the one we love we never know what it means to be complete, what it means to be truly happy. When you find that perfect spot in the world, with the perfect person, everything everything falls into place but you wont even notice it because it all pales in comparison to the person you love and knowing that they are yours till the very end.

Every Little Bit Counts

I grumble and gripe that I haven't lost much weight and I dont see a difference. Every day I weigh myself and every week I measure. There is a decrease in both but for some reason I hope to see this miracle drop of inches and fat around my middle. I've lost roughly and inch all around my body and 10lbs since my horrible gain back in April. I know these results are good but its just so hard to stay positive when day in and day out I work so hard to watch the foods I eat and try to exercise and see so little happen. I know I haven't gotten a lot of exercise in lately, mostly because I came down with the flu and trust me I would have much preferred to been running this week than holed up in my apartment like some sort of quarantine science experiment gone horribly wrong. There is exactly three months till my birthday and I am only half way to my goal of being skinny once more! I haven't been under 125lb since about the age of 20. I know this because I gained quite a bit of weight while visiting my in-laws and working at Urban Organic which all ventured over the later half of my 20th year into my 21st and I left right before my 22nd. Leaving that place I was at a high of 142lb. So there is something to be happy for, yay me. I just know I wont be able to lose another 10lbs in three months. It took me five just to lose this, barely, and the closer you get to your goal the harder it is because soon you plateau. I just know I'm going to plateau soon, maybe too soon, perhaps even within the next 3lbs. I keep telling myself that I will be content just to reach 130lbs again but I know I will still gripe at myself on the inside if I never reach 125lb. Here's to hoping that the next twelve weeks will be good ones! Oh god, here come the holidays!

Sailor Moon Obsession

I have finished almost four out of the five seasons of Sailor Moon. While I do enjoy parts of the show, mostly Usagi and Mamaro, there is one issue throughout that always irked me. This is a very inspiring show for young girls. Usagi is thirteen when she first becomes a Sailor soldier and in the later seasons when her daughter Chibi-Usa comes from the future shes only about 5 or 6 years old and is also very brave and inspiring for girls. They may act childish at times and be silly girls worrying about makeup, and parties, but when it comes down to it they protect innocents and never give in. That is an amazing message to send out to girls.

The one BIG flaw I found that they sneak in little by little every here and there but can be incredibly harmful to young girls? Everytime they tell Usagi she's getting fat.

Now with this being a cartoon its hard to tell a difference in size, unless they really want you to. But from what can be seen Usagi is a very average looking girl and doesnt look overweight or even different in size than the other Sailor Soldiers. In one specific episode, Mamaro her boyfriend, in the persona of Tuxedo Mask catches her and tells her shes gained weight. You save your girlfriend from falling and all you can say is you put on some weight? This is her future husband insulting her! Another episode has her and the girls trying out for ballet. They make a point of Usagi lifting her leg and showing her side roll slightly-Heaven forbid the girl gets a curve! Later in this same episode the villain tries to kill her in a tutu that her 'fat' helps break off of her. Once the foe is defeated Tuxedo Mask tells her she should go on a diet. What does this have to do with her fighting skills? She is his future queen and mother of his child and he dwells on her eating too many sweets?

For all its inspiring and strong woman/female characters this one factor is a very big flaw. As a teen who had weight issues that have developed into adulthood I feel things like this should be corrected as we go. We worry over being politically correct but not messages we can send out to the children of the world. I am aware this is a cartoon that is nearly 20 years old but I still feel it should be pointed out that girls should not dwell on their weight like this. I know there are shows that even now do this for both girls and boys and it should stop because if they begin to aim to look like a cartoon character then all hope is lost for the future!

Role Playing

Role Playing has become a key role in my life. (Not the naughty kind you lovely pervies!) I write for three different characters on a Twitter role play as well as three other characters for a website. I devote a lot of time to them all, or at least I try to. I find my Twitter life is much easy to work with since I can use my phone to reply and post all day and night. As for the website, I am an administrator there and have worked with the site for over three years. Honestly if I could find an app for my phone that would let me post on there I'd use it in a heartbeat and flood that site with all my posts as well. It's fun to get out of your own skin and into someone else. Much like my writing I get different perspectives on how someone may respond in different situations. Some have even surprised me. With the Twitter the character is not my own creation so there are limits that even I would sometimes like to break but theyre there for a reason, even if I may not agree with it. They're definitely a good way to keep me writing and active in that world, always opening new and interesting worlds for me to explore. I would highly suggest all writers to try their hand at role playing once in a while, if only to give your mind a rest from the chaos of your own little world.

Exercise + Diet = My Life

They arent my life because I like them, more or less I like not looking like a fatty fatty boombalatty. Against my strong belief that I would never again weight over 140lbs I did manage to gain 20lbs within a year without even batting an eye. I knew it was happening. I had stepped on the scale and say 130lbs, then 135;bs. Certain clothes didnt fit, or didnt fit right, but I brushed it off and said 'Ill lose it with no problem.' The wake-up call was walking into my doctors office and having them weigh me only to find that I was now at a high of 142lbs. I nearly broke out in tears because it had been nearly 4 years since I'd weighed that much. I told myself all I had to do was eat healthy and eat less and the weight would fall of. Right? Wrong! I gained another 5lbs just by not adding exercise into my day to day. I know many people will tell you 'Eating right is all you need.' but that isnt so for everyone. I cut out so much from my diet, I hadn't drank soda or juices in years so there wasnt much in the way of drinking to cut back on. I'd mostly stayed away from processed foods or fast foods because I liked to cook and junk food was a once in a while treat, not an every meal of every day thing. So what was I doing wrong? I remembered that when I lost weight the most was working at Petland. Twelve hour days spent walking, lifting, climbing stairs and all around busting my ass for 4-5 days each week. I was getting roughly 60hrs worth of exercise just by working. When I left that job I had already lost about 20lbs. I was a nice 116lbs, for the first time since probably my elementary school days. I started working at the gym and tried to keep up with exercising and being active, although only working 3 days a week and having a desk to sit at I didn't get as much as I'd hoped. I gained roughly 5-10lbs but I believe most of it was muscle, because a lot of it went into my shoulders and arms due to lifting weights. Still I was content with 125lbs. So the answer for me was simple, the more I move the more I lose. I remembered eating plates and plates of food at that time. Two thanksgiving dinners on top of whatever else I had eaten for breakfast and lunch. It was amazing the way I could stuff my face and still stay so slim. Diet may be key to some, but exercise trumps it all for me. I've slowly gotten into walking and running, although running takes its toll on me and I can only usually do about 1 minute to 2 minutes at a time and a maximum of 10 minutes total for the night. I've lost 10lbs so far by just keeping up with my exercise but its only left me at 138lbs which is far from my goal! I still have another 18lbs to go before my birthday, although I would be content with just another 8lbs for the time. I hope to achieve this goal and rid myself of the depression that has slowly sunk into me.

Two Months?!

I'm ashamed to say that were 2/3rds of the way through the year and I have missed writing a post for the past two months. Not only that but I'm only halfway to 20 posts. Really it should not have been so hard for me to make two posts a month! I dont know if its because the blog isnt in a place on my computer that I can really see it everyday enough to think 'Hey I should post on there' or because I have been so wrapped up in my own little world the past two months that I havent had the time to dwell and write. I also haven't written much in general for the past few months and I feel like I really should get back into it as the winter months approach. I also notice that this has become a ramble of sorts and I should probably end it before it goes sour. All that I know is I should have at least 16 posts. So I have 6 more to make up before the end of this month because then I will be up to 8 posts required and I would really hate to see where I pull those out of.

All the World(I Tell Myself)

Have you ever tried to make a decision and not known who you were doing it for? The last two books I published were my own choices. 'So Contagious' was chosen because I finished it first and just wanted to try publishing. Then came 'Bring on the Night' and that I chose because it contained Black & White and I needed the feedback to see how everyone would enjoy the sequel 'Technicolor'. But now my dilemma lies in whether or not I will publish 'Technicolor', if I should publish the sequel to 'So Contagious' - 'In Too Far', or not go for the cliche sequel just yet and put out a different type of novel altogether 'Haven'. I love each one and I want to put them all out but I just cant seem to decide which would be best to go next. Part of me became discouraged when, once again, sales went nowhere for 'Bring on the Night'. But I cant deny being a writer and wanting people to enjoy my work so I will keep publishing my books if only to hold a copy of it in my hands and mine alone.